Sensuous Aberration Tempts Invoking Resistless Ecstasy SATIRE
by IngeniumNoctuam
Summary: Remus is pathetic and Sirius is oblivious. Or a S. A. T. I. R. E. of sniveling Remus cliches.


Sensuous Aberration Tempts Invoking Resistless Ecstasy (S. A. T. I. R. E.)

Remus didn't know how it happened but he was in love with Sirius Black. It's true Sirius is the most attractive person to ever exist, charming, and above all else his best friend, but still how DID it happen? Every single female in the school was also in love with Sirius, and let's be honest almost every male. He made most boys gay. He can't help it. The sad thing is Sirius himself was not gay but very sexually promiscuous with almost every girl in Hogwarts besides Lily Evans, because no one besides Lily has self esteem or a back bone or a personality.

Sirius was doing casual things, like reading a Quidditch magazine for example, and Remus was dissolved into a puddle of hopeless human looking at Sirius being so EFFORTLESSLY handsome. You see not only was Remus hopelessly in love with Sirius (not mildly attracted or having a slight crush, totally in love with), but he could not function properly as a human around said boy. At the present moment his stomach was swirling and heart beating and sweating and just flummoxed looking at Sirius, draped elegantly across the arm chair.

In attempt to ignore his insatiable feelings Remus went back to reading his old, heavy book.

"Hey Remus," Sirius said.

Remus had a hard time forming a coherent thought, much less sentence so it took a moment for him to even open his mouth and begin to respond. He was blushing.

"Er- Um y-yes?"

Sirius gave a dazzling smile, it literally took Remus' breath away. His eyes watered and he had to dig his fingernails into his palms to try and stop himself from kissing Sirius right there.

"I'm bored." That was common for Sirius, Remus knew because they were so close.

"R-Right, what do y-you uh um want to do?" By the end of his stuttered sentence Remus was blushing and shaking a little.

"Prank someone, break rules, I don't know!"

Remus gasped and dropped his book in his lap, "We can't do that!"

Sirius gave his best puppy dog eyes, "Why not?"

"I'm a Perfect." Remus fiddled with his badge and kept his eyes fixed in his lap because he couldn't look Sirius in the eye and not blurt out his feelings.

"Fine I'll go find my best mate James."

"What about Peter?"

Sirius stood up and looked at Remus like he was solving a puzzle. Remus blushed from the attention and felt his heart beat faster in his chest.

"Who?" Sirius asked, Remus shrugged, unable to do anything else, so Sirius left.

* * *

James was talking about wooing Lily, he was almost as obsessed with her as Remus was with Sirius, almost.

"I'm wooing her today by singing her favorite song by the Beatles. I've been, you know, paying attention to her likes and such," James was saying.

Peter didn't say a word just nodded up to James like he was a God.

"I'm so tired of hearing about Lily," Sirius sighed.

"Shut it, this time it'll work!" James said and stood. He began to serenade the love of his life but like usual she responded with open hostility.

"I hate you!" Lily screamed before he even began his second verse. She proceeded to hex him within an inch of his life. James sat back down looking completely honored anyway.

"I love her," he sighed dreamily.

"She hates you," Sirius pointed out.

Remus could not contribute to this conversation because again the mere sound of Sirius' voice had sent him into a tailspin of emotions. He loved Sirius' voice, it was perfect, so aristocratic and pure. Just like the rest of Sirius, beautiful and suave. Sirius had an aristocratic face, flowing hair, and sharp eyes.

The rest of breakfast was spent with James constantly talking about Lily and Peter just nodding his head. Sirius remained completely unaware of Remus' unabashed staring.

* * *

In class Remus watched Sirius, not even bothering to pay attention to the lesson for once, his gaze was permanently transfixed to his beau. Remus was very studious usually, always completing his work on time, studying for hours and hours on end, but no matter how hard he tried he could not for the life of him get better grades then Sirius or James. They were just naturally better than him at everything.

This made Remus sad. So sad in fact the he was in a downward slope of depression, not eating hardly anything, barely sleeping, and just feeling glum. It did not help that the unobtainable Sirius always somehow managed to be around, taunting him.

All day Remus wallowed in self pity. He didn't eat anything at lunch and cried in the bathroom all his free period. In classes he sat dazed, still not paying any attention to what was being said. He failed his tests that day while Sirius and James, with no preparation, got all the questions correct. He was disappointed in himself and couldn't bring himself to do anything about it.

In the common room the Marauders sat again doing casual things like chess and reading. Currently Remus was curled up at the end of the couch stealthily observing his crush a few feet away. Sirius was laughing which always made Remus' heart skip a beat. Sirius decided to stretch and Remus had to tear his eyes away from the exposed skin and focus back on his book. Of course it was impossible when Sirius came over and sat right next to him.

"Hey, Moony, watch'ya doin'?" Sirius sang, leaning his weight onto Remus who was becoming very flustered. Not only was he flustered but very, very aroused and having a difficult time breathing, Sirius touching him was too much.

"N-Nothing," he wheezed. Remus knew this was all the contact he would ever get from Sirius so he soaked it up, focusing on the shoulder leaning against his own.

"I've got a new girlfriend," Sirius said.

Remus gasped, "What?!"

Sirius looked at him curiously, "I've got a new girlfriend," he repeated.

Remus stood abruptly, "What makes you think I would care?!"

Sirius looked hurt and taken aback but Remus was so angry and confused he couldn't bring himself to calm down because of it.

"Just thought you'd want to know," Sirius said.

"Well I don't!" Remus yelled and stormed up to the dormitory.

That night, because he was pathetic, Remus cried himself to sleep thinking of how he would never be with his one true love, Sirius Black.

* * *

"What are you three doing!" Remus screeched as soon as he entered the dorm the next day after breakfast (it was a Saturday). The two and a half sat on the floor and guiltily looked up.

"Noth-" Peter began, but Sirius cut him off.

"Breaking the rules, planning pranks. Right now we're planning on throwing a dungbomb at some Slytherins."

"Revolutionary," James sighed wistfully.

"I can't let you do that," Remus said.

"We're doing it anyway!" Sirius declared and got up to smack Remus on the arm. The approaching Sirius made Remus nervous, he couldn't handle such close proximity. Sirius got even closer and Remus felt his legs go numb beneath him. Sirius gave another one of his charming smiles and patted Remus on the arm. Remus swooned.

Hours later Remus found himself in the infirmary alone, well besides Peter. Sirius chose that moment to burst in.

"Moony! So wonderful to see you doing better!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Thanks," Remus said, touched by his friends compassion. This, he reasoned, was why he fell in love with Sirius.

"Can you do my essay for me?" Sirius asked, holding out the parchment innocently.

"Of course," Remus breathed, taking the paper. Briefly their fingers touched and Remus felt a surge of electricity corse through his body.

"Thanks Moony, you are the best!" Sirius chirped, like he meant it. Remus nearly swooned again, but he kept control of himself. This little affirmation gave him hope, which he promptly squashed.

* * *

Alone in the library Remus reflected on the day's events, while working on the essay he promised for Sirius. Sirius had said he was the best, what could that mean? Remus sighed, he knew he was being ridiculous, Sirius would never like him, he was a werewolf after all.

Remus pined and pined whilst writing the essay, fantasizing every possible scenario of his and Sirius' dramatic get together. It was riveting but it made him sad again because he knew it would never happen. Being a total sap Remus wrote in the margins his and Sirius' initials in a heart. He knew he should not be in love with his best friend, but he couldn't squash it. His heart ached whenever he was around Sirius but when he wasn't it ached even worse. Shoving these thoughts from his mind he did the essay for Sirius (as well as one for James because he's a pushover) dutifully.

James and Sirius talked about plans of rule breaking, which he refused to be a part of, so he wasn't sure where to find them to give them their work. Deciding he needed to clear his head Remus took a walk around the castle. It was almost curfew so he took the liberty of acting out his Perfect duties and shooing anyone he encountered off to bed.

Down some empty corridor he heard some noises coming from a broom closet. Edging closer Remus listened and immediately understood the kind of debauchery going on in there. Letting out an undignified huff, Remus thrust the door open. He gasped in shock because there, in the clutches of another woman, stood Sirius. Remus' cheeks turned red like they always did in proximity to Sirius.

"Um well uh y-you oh um I-I-I um her gah w-what?" Remus stuttered, looking despondent.

"Remus," Sirius gasped.

With no other option left to him Remus dropped the essays and ran. Sirius picked up the essays to find in the margins crudely drawn hearts with his and Remus' initials. With this evidence he ran.

This was it for him, the final straw, seeing Sirius with another girl had pushed him over the edge. Remus dashed up the astronomy tower with every desire to kill himself. He couldn't have Sirius so what was the point? He reached the top and took a deep breath. He walked over to the edge.

"Remus!" Sirius yelled, entering the astronomy tower dramatically.

Remus turned abruptly to see Sirius looking gorgeous as ever, further solidifying his want to off himself.

"Don't do it!"

"I have to!" Remus wailed, tears streaming down his face.

Sirius swaggered closer. Remus looked up at Sirius, his best friend and crush with deep, sad eyes.

"I love you," he whispered.

Sirius nodded, "I love you too." Remus of course doubted the truth of the statement, he couldn't handle unrequited love despite handling being a werewolf.

"No you don't," Remus claimed determinedly.

Sirius did nothing to clear up the statement, forcing Remus to leave in a flurry, tears cascading down his face.

"Of course Sirius doesn't love me!" Remus wailed, clinging to the edge of a bathroom sink. He trembled and finally broke down crying right there in the bathroom. He wished Sirius hadn't stopped him from killing himself, he couldn't handle the pain of it all. The longing in his heart, his soul, the constant anguish, it was too much.

Sobs wracked his body and for a long time he was only able to stand there and weep alone in the dank bathroom. Sirius would never love him, how could he be so blind? Later someone found him crying and coaxed him into calming down.

"It's okay," the person said, they looked vaguely familiar.

"Thanks," Remus managed.

The next few days for Remus were a nightmare. He couldn't face Sirius so he avoided him every way possible. Despite being roommates he still managed to evade him, without rule breaking of course. He spent his time alone in the library feeling sorry for himself. On the fifth day Sirius finally approached him.

"Remus, you've been avoiding me," Sirius said. Remus hadn't seen him in a few days so he had to take a minute to get used to his friends ethereal beauty. Just the way Sirius leaned on the table made his heart hammer.

"Yes," he croaked out.

"Is this about what happened in the astronomy tower?" Sirius guessed correctly.

"No!" Remus screeched, "Nothing happened in the astronomy tower!"

Sirius got angry as well, "I just wanted to help!"

"You've helped enough! Get out of my sight!"

Sirius didn't even stop to respond, he stormed out of the library and Remus sunk back into his chair. He hated himself more than usual today, he had just lost a friend, hie best friend. Deciding he couldn't handle the misery of not seeing Sirius at all Remus did all his homework for a week to make up for it.

Back in the dorm he found Sirius alone.

"I'm sorry for yelling Sirius," Remus murmured and dropped the scrolls on his friends bed.

Sirius looked up, his puppy dog eyes in place, "Why'd you do it?"

"I-I just..." Remus paused and Sirius' gaze penetrated him deep, "I love you."

Sirius gasped and stood up, "What?"

"Don't hate me!" Remus defensively curled up into the fetal position on the floor. Sirius crouched down beside him and stroked his back.

"I could never hate you Remus," Sirius cooed gently, "I love you too."

Remus stopped his helpless weeping and looked up at Sirius with hope, "You do?"

"Yes."

There was a moment of tension and hesitation before they kissed, perfectly. Remus nearly died from how overwhelmed he was by everything. Sirius' lips made him moan and groan and it was just so amazing. When they broke apart Remus was panting and Sirius was looking beautiful.

"That was amazing," Remus breathed. He blushed when what he said registered.

From the doorway James cleared his throat, both boys jumped.

"I knew it!" James crowed and went over to par the two on the back.

"You don't hate me?" Remus whimpered.

"No!" James assured. Remus cried again, but this time his friends were there to comfort him.

"I never thought I would be with you," Remus admitted to Sirius.

"Is that why you've been so depressed?" Sirius asked.

"Yes."

"Well no reason for that anymore!" Sirius assured and gave his new boyfriend a hug. Remus hugged back and smiled, he had never felt so content in all his life.

The End


End file.
